Challenging Conversations -- At Work or On The Water

Keeping Your Cool When Your Temperature’s Rising... On The Water

Please note:  I hope you find this information helpful. It is intended for your personal use. No permission is granted for general reproduction or copying because of posting on the Internet. Happy paddling!

Who is Laura V. Page?

I’m an independent management consultant who is also an avid canoe and kayak paddler. Before going out on my own in training and development, I was the head of business counseling at the University of Wisconsin - Madison’s Small Business Development Center. I often conduct seminars for UW and Marquette Universities and for my own clients.

Why this topic?

I frequently lead small paddling trips of friends and colleagues on local lakes and rivers. I love Wisconsin! Because in my professional life I teach communications, conflict resolution, team building and general interpersonal skills in work settings, I am very aware of conflict.... and yes, I also see it on the water. Many people have told me that they see it also, especially when two folks are together in a canoe.

I called up Rutabaga here in Madison and suggested I do a talk at Canoecopia on interpersonal conflict on the water. They gave an enthusiastic "Yes!" and asked me to present the talk on all three days. The groups were fun and very appreciative. The goals were to be helpful and hopeful, and to have some fun while we looked at a serious topic.

Outline:

1) Causes of "Canoe Conflict."

   A) People may differ widely on why they are going out on the water.

Examples:

             -- Birding / nature.

             -- Challenge / physical / exercise.

             -- Social / talk / meet people.

             -- Boat handling / strokes.

             -- Spiritual...

   B) Canoes are an inherently difficult craft.

             – Hard to hear each other.

             – Two "steering wheels" on one vehicle.

             – Possible large skill difference between paddlers.

             – Multiple forces affecting a canoe – large surface area; wind, current, waves, rain...

    C) Many possible stressors.

            – Forgot stuff; lots of things / gear to bring, location, etc.

            – Obstacles in water.

            – Navigation / getting lost.

            – Time constraints.

            – Dangers; sun , snakes...

            – New paddle partner.

    D) High need for good communication / low current skills.

            – Vague language. (How many minutes is "a little while?")

            – Lack of self-awareness.

            – Inflexible style. We all have a predominant style, habits.

            Other’s styles tend to irritate us. We moralize about their habits.

2) Non-Solutions (Avoid these.)

        A) Defensive "fight or flight" reactions.

        Examples: Clam up, attack back, change subject, denial, yell, cry, false agreement, etc.

        These are normal human reactions to feeling attacked.

        B) Overpower / control.

3) More Effective Solutions (Try these.)

    A) Set ground rules. Both dictate AND discuss, before start of trip.

            – Safety first.

            – Who / how steer boat.

            – Bumper boats OK or No.

            – Taboos or not; smoking, drinking, approach to animals,

          how will we deal with litter, keeping river clean, etc...

            – Distinguish "must list" from "wish list."

    B) Lower the stressors.

            – Get organized. Yes, make lists!

            – Delegate without the Catch 22's.

            – Scout the destination.

            – Get and give maps to everyone.

            – Be prepared. If small chance, but serious consequences... same reason we wear seat belts.

   C) Keep your cool !

            – Look at the big picture.

            – Believe you can = you can.

            – Do a "pattern interrupt." Take deep breath, sip of water, count to 10, etc.

            – Observe human behavior like a scientist. "That’s interesting."

            – Memorize a positive "first phrase." Say it to yourself.

            – Tap into your best values.

            Take responsibility for your emotions.

            Nobody makes you mad, sad, scared... You do.

    D) Listen. Actively!

            – Use "door opener" questions.

            – Avoid declarative statements.

            – Paraphrase, don’t parrot.

            "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." — Stephen Covey.

    E) Work to resolve conflicts. It is work.

            – Work for a "win-win" unless very good reason not to.

            – Assertive; not aggressive, or passive, or passive-aggressive.

            – Use avoidance strategically; not out of bad habit, fear, laziness...

    F) Get a kayak.... or a solo canoe. :-) (continued)

4) Become "Masterful" as a Communicator.

    A) Invite feedback.

            – "Am I explaining things OK?"

            – "Give me some feedback on..."

            – "What do you think we learned from that?"

            – Do an After Action Review, like the military.

    B) Develop acute self-awareness.

            – Note assumptions, jumping to conclusions, moralizing...

            – Self-reflection. Draw out learning.

            – Avoid beating yourself up.

            – Stop to check in with yourself.

    C) Lighten Up !

            – Forgive = let go. It is not avoidance.

            – Celebrate "good" conflict.

            Thank others for keeping their cool, communicating well, listening...

Me = Laura V. Page www.lauravpage.com